Posts Tagged ‘LTK’

Shoot the Pianist

Posted: 2018 年 05 月 03 日 in Literature
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Shoot the Pianist: LTK Commune Declaration ‘92

射殺鋼琴師:濁水溪公社92 宣言

Once there was a man who ended all oppression and war on this earth by merely killing off ten pianists.

Before the 1990s, children of the affluent in Taiwan were taken from a very young age to learn piano. The kids with some classical foundation were seen as good students by their schoolteachers, as well-behaved by their parents, and were deemed immune from being corrupted by a society in decay. This is how it all began: One day, a piano teacher on his way home died after he was struck in his privates by a flying arrow. The next day, five more piano teachers were murdered in the same manner. Of these, four were teachers at Yamaha Music School; one was from the children’s choir at Chinese Television System (CTS). This was reported as headline news in all national media and newspapers.

These murder cases alarmed the entire nation, especially among piano teachers. There was widespread speculation from all spheres as to which unconscionable, despicable terrorist organization was responsible. Thus on the following day, cops, military police and bounty hunters infiltrated every road and byway in Taipei. Security measures were intensified in locations such as Yamaha Music Centre, X-Zone Music Store and Jamison Music Workshop. Despite these precautions, an unaccompanied pianist performing at the National Concert Hall was killed, and the killer was never apprehended.

Renowned pianists and masters gathered in the dark of the night for a meeting. They understood their responsibility toward classical music and educating children, but teaching or performing at this moment would be a game of Russian Roulette, and being a real cock up. After conferring, one pianist courageously volunteered to record a public service announcement. He wore bullet proof clothing and as accompanied by undercover police, but his dead body was discovered by security personnel the very next morning, with the entire lower body removed. A day later, there were no piano teachers to be found anywhere in Taiwan. The society sank into a state of unrest. Parents with means who loved their children were full of anxiety: worrying that their children would become delinquents. How can the people of this nation go on without piano lessons?

At that very moment, an unheard of pang-ke (punk) keyboard player risked his life for his moment in the limelight, put on his tuxedo and performed at the National Concert Hall. It had been too long since there was a public performance of the piano, and every performance was standing room only. Strangely, he was not killed off. Afterwards, a bunch of pang-ke, paupers and swindlers got on their feet, put on business suits and started giving piano lessons without any retribution.

Since no pianists had been killed for some time, everyone assumed that the danger had passed, and classically trained pianists came out of hiding. Two emerged and both were found with their lower body cruelly dismembered by arrows. No further discussion necessary. This was the year where Taiwan’s world of piano became the playground for pang-ke, rogues, paupers, swindlers, homosexuals and garbage collectors. Days passed and even factory girls and mainland Chinese ladies started to join in the ranks. But if any authentic pianists dared show up to work for a bowl of rice, these others would viciously take care of them.

Since then the image and style of pianists, the appearance and sound of the piano, music theory have all be completely altered. Some played Nanguan opera with it, some converted the outer shell into toilets, some played it tone-deaf but with sensual force, some played it sitting on the can, some converted it into a video game, yet others drove it like a taxi. In any case, there was no uniformity among those who taught piano. They were referred to as pang-ke piano. Piano playing became something fun to do. Children clamoured to have lessons, so schools began employing pang-ke, bitches, and rogues to teach piano. These lessons were out of this world. The kids influenced by pang-kepiano created a new generation. They have different thoughts, different beliefs. When they grew up, they had ostensibly different attitudes toward pang-ke, mainland Chinese women and homosexuals. They elected punks to the National Assembly, homosexual mayors, and mainland Chinese women presidents.

The nation was under the control of a bunch of pang-kei.

Their main topic of concern was filling their stomachs. Congressional debates revolved around how to get the most out of Wellcome Supermarket or Huiyang to make a feast. The highest attendance at City Council occurred when “How to jack cola and cigarettes from 7-Eleven.” As a result, even stray dogs on the roadside were able to enjoy chicken nuggets and martinis. Of course, they were also concerned with issues like housing and entertainment. Soon, even the poorest were able to happily move into the Presidential Palace.

But there was one thing they refused to do, and that was to send their kids to traditional piano lessons. Not on your life. They used their economic and political influence as an independent state to encourage pang-ke in other third world countries to participate in the political sphere, and in doing so triggered a worldwide trend. Hence a new global economic system and philosophical concepts were established. Soon, all over the world, no one went hungry, everyone had a place to live, and no child was ever forced to learn something against their will. There was no hate. No war.

Everyone worked, studied, played mahjong, made punk music, snorted meth, made movies, and discussed metaphysics in perpetual peace. You know what? While you were contemplating the responsibilities of a college student, a heroic world revolution has already happened. It took only ten pianists, not one other person’s genitalia were dismembered, and a global revolution was achieved. But this murderer, or perhaps you would call him a revolutionary, has never been identified or caught. He achieved a near-bloodless revolution, yet no one knows what became of him, what he dabbles in, what his name is… No one knows, but me. I also know that he loves music, is a loyal friend, is incomparably brave, and is the most imaginative person. Currently, he continues to carefully plan and execute this great enterprise. How do I know this?

Because he is a member of our LTK Commune!

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